Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals to quote for your car rental requirements. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve, at good value for your money.
We are aware that car rental can be a stressful time, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. So allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental, or even getting to that important business meeting faster. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we will refund your money back in full, with no penalties.
When comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.
Brady and I focused mainly on getting rid of the unnecessary “fluff” that was riddled all throughout this ad. We took out many of the times in which the name of the rental facility was repeated, as well as the times in which there was additional information that was not needed. I focused on trying to write in plain english, meaning that the ad would have all of the information to get the point across without adding any extra pieces that could in turn confuse the reader. In doing this, it makes the ad sound more blunt, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. While it does make it sound less personal and personable, it is more in line with the style of professional writing that was described to us in the chapters that we read last week. I do still believe that this ad could be further reduced, as well as made clearer, but I am unsure of how to do so at the moment. The main goal of this ad is to thank the person who is interested in the car rental, as well as assure them that they are making the right choice in the company that they chose to do business with. I believe that Brady and I were able to make this ad more concise as well as easier to understand simply by making the small changes that we did.
XXX Car Rental Ad
Thank you for choosing XXX Car Rentals for your rental car needs! We pride ourselves on our unbeatable low prices and outstanding customer service.
At XXX, we are aware that car rental can be a stressful time for the best of us. Which is why we have made our service easy to use. If you need to cancel your rental for any reason, we will refund your money in full with zero penalties.
We guarantee that after renting with us, you won’t be choosing anywhere else.
We look forward to your business!
*forgot to post my reflection alongside the ad
For this exercise, it was important to me to maintain the essence of the ad; to not just take away the unnecessary clutter, but to emphasize what XXX Car Rental is all about. Scott and I were in agreement about removing the majority of the first paragraph. We found it to be redundant and unnecessary. We agreed that the two takeaways of this ad we should focus on is XXX’s great customer service and low cost. So we condensed these ideas into one, easy to read, sentence. The second paragraph we found to be too lengthy, and we didn’t think the examples provided helped to stress XXX’s great customer service, nor their low cost benefits. So we cut those out. An important part of the second paragraph was their refund policy claim. People definitely want to know that they can get their money back if something goes wrong with their plans, so we wanted to keep this part and make it the topic of the paragraph. We decided to completely emit the final paragraph, as it was just straight up confusing. The implication was that XXX is better than other companies. With a little rewording, I think Scott and I were able to end the ad in a much better way.
XXX Car Rental Ad
Thank you for choosing XXX Car Rentals for your rental car needs! We pride ourselves on our unbeatable low prices and outstanding customer service.
At XXX, we are aware that car rental can be a stressful time for the best of us. Which is why we have made our service easy to use. If you need to cancel your rental for any reason, we will refund your money in full with zero penalties.
We guarantee that after renting with us, you won’t be choosing anywhere else.
We look forward to your business!
When we went about revising this car rental ad, we first wanted to identify the main points of the ad that we knew we had to cover in our revision. We identified the three main points as their customer service, ease of use, and advantages over competitors. To cut down on word count, we took out much of the extra information that the original ad included that was not necessary. For example, we cut a line that stated: “Think of all the extras you are getting with XXX Car Rental, and when comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.” This line is very wordy and too conversational to be appropriate for a brief ad like this. The idea here can be made in a much cleaner and simple way. As we do in our revision. The goals of the ad after revisions were to be clear-cut and written in a way that is easy to understand after one reading. By making it much shorter and using simpler words and shorter sentences, we were able to achieve that goal.
Thank you for asking Custom Car Rentals to quote your rental. You will be happy to know that we pride ourselves on our high-quality services and customer care, investing our time in whatever you need. Renting can be stressful; that’s why our service is simple and hassle-free. Our service allows you to enjoy the holidays as soon as you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip, we provide a full refund with zero penalties. All of these extra services are at no additional cost. Once you have tried our service, you will never look back!
Reflection:
When looking at how to downsize this document while still maintaining the essence of what this company offers to its customers, one of the changes we made was to make customer-centered language. For example, changing out many of the “we” portions to “you” – we thought this would allow the individual reading not to feel talked at by these unknown authoritative voices but instead that their concern is at the forefront. Also, compressing themes and similarities between sentences can make them more effective, as one powerful sentence can encapsulate many choppy-sounding sentences in a row. Referring to the first paragraph, we felt the theme aimed to showcase customer service and availability to their reader. However, those three sentences could shrink down into one sentence with clarity and precision. Similarly, the remaining two paragraphs had similar formats, a strong message for each one, the reduction of stress for the customer, and how efficient and affordable their service is. Like the previous example, those two paragraphs were significantly reduced, yet their message is just as clear. Within the second paragraph, there were also a few grammatical errors and sentence flow issues, such as, “In fact, we call it hassle-free. So allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental car or even getting to that all important business meeting faster”. By clarifying their message’s goal and sharpening the sentence delivery, it became “Renting can be stressful; that’s why our service is simple and hassle-free. Our service allows you to enjoy the holidays as soon as you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip, we provide a full refund with zero penalties”.
Thank you for asking B-Madz Car services to help with your car rental requirements. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve. At B-Madz, we are aware that car renting can be stressful, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. Allowing you to start enjoying your vehicle the moment you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we’ll refund your money back in full with no penalties. We are sure once you have tried our service; you will be delighted and will never look back.
During this exercise, we read through the entire prompt to see how much we could condense it. We began by gutting the entire last sentence out as it really didn’t add much in our opinion. Mostly filler. Then we rewrote the entire first sentence as well as got rid of the second sentence. We re-wrote the first sentence because it just did not flow how we envisioned it to be, so changes had to be made. We got rid of the second sentence because it was really just a slight repeat of the first sentence. From there we just did some slight cuts and punctuation fixes to ensure that there was less jargon as possible and more useful substance, so that whoever read it would be able to understand and be informed of what they were reading. Overall I think we did a really good job at breaking at condensing as much as we could without losing sight of what we were trying to communicate.
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals to quote for your car rental requirements. At XXX Car Rentals we are aware that car rental can be a stressful time for the best of us, that’s why we have made our services very easy to use. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. When comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals for a quote. We are pleased to say that XXX Car Rentals has invested in gearing our whole operation to work as smoothly as possible for you. We pride ourselves on a high level of customer service, you will find good value for your money. At XXX Car Rentals we are aware that car rental can be stressful so that’s why we have made our service as hassle free as possible. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. Unlike other rental agencies we have thought of all the extras at no additional cost to you. Once you have rented with us you will never look back.
We made a ton of edits to the ad and we did it pretty quickly too. All the work that needed to be done to change the ad was finished in class although we never decided on a name for the car rental company. In the first sentence we got rid of “to” and “for your car rental requirements” and replaced it with “for a” so the sentence now reads “Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals for a quote.” In the second sentence we cut out “many man hours” and “our customers” and replaced it with “ as smoothly as possible for you”. So the sentence now reads “We are pleased to say that XXX Car Rentals has invested in gearing our whole operation to work as smoothly as possible for you.” In the next line we got rid of “we achieve, we are also sure” and a few other words and the sentence now sounds like this. “We pride ourselves on a high level of customer service, you will find good value for your money.” In the next paragraph we started off by cutting out “time for the best of us, that’s why” and “very easy to use. In fact we call it” and added “as hassle free as possible” and now the sentence reads “At XXX Car Rentals we are aware that car rental can be stressful so that’s why we have made our service as hassle free as possible.” We cut out the whole next sentence because we thought it was irrelevant the one about being able to enjoy your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental car ext. The sentence after that we left alone and didn’t change anything because we felt that it had important information. It reads “If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties.” We pretty much scrapped the entire next sentence after that too we only kept the words “once you have you will never look back” we also moved that saying to the end of the ad because we thought it was more fitting there. The last paragraph we also completely switched around and changed the wording so now it says “Unlike other rental agencies we have thought of all the extras at no additional cost to you. Once you have rented with us you will never look back.” Overall I think this was a fun thought provoking activity and that me and my partner worked well together. 🙂
Thank you for asking B-Madz Car services to help with your car rental requirements. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve. At B-Madz, we are aware that car renting can be stressful, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. Allowing you to start enjoying your vehicle the moment you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we’ll refund your money back in full with no penalties. We are sure once you have tried our service; you will be delighted and will never look back.
During this exercise, Maddie and I read through the entire prompt to see how much we could condense it. We began by gutting the entire last sentence out as it really didn’t add much in our opinion. Mostly filler. Then we rewrote the entire first sentence as well as got rid of the second sentence. We re-wrote the first sentence because it just did not flow how we envisioned it to be, so changes had to be made. We got rid of the second sentence because it was really just a slight repeat of the first sentence. From there we just did some slight cuts and punctuation fixes to ensure that there was less jargon as possible and more useful substance, so that whoever read it would be able to understand and be informed of what they were reading. Overall I think we did a really good job at breaking at condensing as much as we could without losing sight of what we were trying to communicate.
Thank you for asking Custom Car Rentals to quote your rental. You will be happy to know that we pride ourselves on our high quality services and customer care; investing our time for whatever you need. Renting can be stressful, that’s why our service is simple and hassle free. Our service allows you to enjoy the holidays as soon as you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip, we provide a full refund with zero penalties. All of these extra services are at no additional cost. Once you have tried our service, you will never look back!
99 words
For Elia and I’s work, we were able to cut this advertisement down to a total of 99 words. Where we first started in decreasing the word count was looking at the title of the car company and its repetitiveness through the paragraphs. Instead of having it listed four times, we chose to only have it once at the beginning. This is because the customer only needs to be reminded once who they are working with and who is putting out this advertisement. Secondly, we look at any areas where there were unnecessary prepositional phrases such as like, and, as, or so. Cutting these out leaves the reader with a smoother way to get through the piece. Lastly, we cut out or reworded some of the sentences that highlighted the benefits of signing with this rental company. Doing this was to make the advertisement be a short bite to read over something that seemed to over-sell what the company was offering.
Thank you for asking Saco River Car Rentals to quote for your car rental requirements. At Saco River Car Rentals, we know that car rentals can be stressful for the best of us. That’s why we have made our service very easy to use. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, Saco River Car Rentals will refund your money back in total with no penalties. When you compare quotes from other rental agencies, please check that they include all we offer at no additional cost.
After we had received the exercise, I knew what parts I wanted to cut out. There was a lot of fluff present. As a customer, I would have skimmed most of this if included. So, we cut significant chunks out of the first and second paragraphs. A lot of the first paragraph focuses on the car rental company. It uses the ‘We’ pronoun. McRae discusses that when doing communication, “you’ should be the pronoun used the most. This makes the customer feel welcomed, and less like it’s all about the company. Fluff is also present in the second paragraph. It talks a lot about the possible uses of the rental. But, that doesn’t seem to be something that the customer would find important. I know what uses I want for the rental if I choose it. I want to know the terms. The deals I can get are more important than the uses I already imagine. I want to see the benefits of renting from this rental company. The last paragraph tries to connect to us, the customer, but it starts putting the company first. This also doesn’t seem the best way to feel welcomed in choosing the right rental car company. The third paragraph is only a few sentences. We cut the first one since it seems to allude to the extras when I would want them discussed, not alluded to. The rest of the edits involved reworking the sentences and fixing grammar to combine or make them simpler.
Thank you for asking XXX car rentals to quote you for your car rental requirements. we pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve, at good value for money. We are aware that car rental can be a stressful time, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. Allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your new rental, or even getting to that important business meeting faster. if you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. when comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.
For the exercise, we were asked to shorten a fake car rental ad, rewrite it in a way that made it more appealing to the viewer, and give it a more professional feel in terms of what we have been learning about writing and communications in the business world. Business writing is concise and clearly states the message. When reading the example, a lot of the advertisement sounded rather repetitive and it was also long, making it less engaging to read. Most of the lines that attempted to appeal to the audience all generally communicated the same idea, and that was that XXX Car Rentals has a goal of making things easier for the customer. This, along with the company’s dedication to the people they want to help could have been communicated in less sentences and in a shorter amount of time. The ad wasn’t very concise. It was clear, but the repetitiveness made it somewhat hard to focus on the main goal that the writer wished to communicate. Maintaining the viewers attention throughout the ad is important, because otherwise, the viewer may put the ad down or look away, and so it was seen as imperative that the ad become shorter in length and for there to be less sentences that serve roughly the same purpose. Therefore, when working together, Isabella and I found that we were able to remove the second and third sentences of the first paragraph, as well as the second and last sentence in the next paragraph. We also fixed some punctuation, adding a period after, “for the best of us” in the second paragraph and starting a new sentence with “That’s why we have made our service very easy to use.” We also took out the final comma in the very last sentence and proceeded to make the first word capitalized to accommodate the part of the sentence we took out and begin with a new start to the final paragraph. Now, shortened to about ninety-eight words, this ad sounds less repetitive, still communicated the same purpose, and is quicker to read.
Thank you for asking UNE car rentals for a quote. We are pleased to say that UNE car rentals have invested time in our operations to work for you. We pride ourselves on a high level of customer service, and you will find good value for your money. At UNE car rentals, we know that car rentals can be stressful, so we have made our service hassle-free. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, UNE car rental will refund your full amount with no penalties. Unlike other rental agencies, we have thought of all the extras at no additional cost to you. We are sure once you have rented with us, you will never look back.
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals to quote your car rental requirements. We are pleased to say that XXX Car Rentals has invested many hours in gearing our whole rental operation to work for our customers. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve. We know that renting a car can be stressful. That’s why we have made our service easy to use, allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental car. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. We are sure once you have tried our service; you will be delighted and never look back.
A lot of the changes we made to the article started with fixing the sentence structure first and then cutting out some of the fluff second. It was hard to decide what fluff to cut out and what to keep, as the welcoming tone was the backbone of the ad and builds appeal. In the end, we cut a lot of the more grammatically challenged sections of the ad to help it flow and rework it to keep the positive tone.
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 5”
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals to quote for your car rental requirements. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve, at good value for your money.
We are aware that car rental can be a stressful time, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. So allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental, or even getting to that important business meeting faster. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we will refund your money back in full, with no penalties.
When comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.
Brady and I focused mainly on getting rid of the unnecessary “fluff” that was riddled all throughout this ad. We took out many of the times in which the name of the rental facility was repeated, as well as the times in which there was additional information that was not needed. I focused on trying to write in plain english, meaning that the ad would have all of the information to get the point across without adding any extra pieces that could in turn confuse the reader. In doing this, it makes the ad sound more blunt, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. While it does make it sound less personal and personable, it is more in line with the style of professional writing that was described to us in the chapters that we read last week. I do still believe that this ad could be further reduced, as well as made clearer, but I am unsure of how to do so at the moment. The main goal of this ad is to thank the person who is interested in the car rental, as well as assure them that they are making the right choice in the company that they chose to do business with. I believe that Brady and I were able to make this ad more concise as well as easier to understand simply by making the small changes that we did.
XXX Car Rental Ad
Thank you for choosing XXX Car Rentals for your rental car needs! We pride ourselves on our unbeatable low prices and outstanding customer service.
At XXX, we are aware that car rental can be a stressful time for the best of us. Which is why we have made our service easy to use. If you need to cancel your rental for any reason, we will refund your money in full with zero penalties.
We guarantee that after renting with us, you won’t be choosing anywhere else.
We look forward to your business!
*forgot to post my reflection alongside the ad
For this exercise, it was important to me to maintain the essence of the ad; to not just take away the unnecessary clutter, but to emphasize what XXX Car Rental is all about. Scott and I were in agreement about removing the majority of the first paragraph. We found it to be redundant and unnecessary. We agreed that the two takeaways of this ad we should focus on is XXX’s great customer service and low cost. So we condensed these ideas into one, easy to read, sentence. The second paragraph we found to be too lengthy, and we didn’t think the examples provided helped to stress XXX’s great customer service, nor their low cost benefits. So we cut those out. An important part of the second paragraph was their refund policy claim. People definitely want to know that they can get their money back if something goes wrong with their plans, so we wanted to keep this part and make it the topic of the paragraph. We decided to completely emit the final paragraph, as it was just straight up confusing. The implication was that XXX is better than other companies. With a little rewording, I think Scott and I were able to end the ad in a much better way.
XXX Car Rental Ad
Thank you for choosing XXX Car Rentals for your rental car needs! We pride ourselves on our unbeatable low prices and outstanding customer service.
At XXX, we are aware that car rental can be a stressful time for the best of us. Which is why we have made our service easy to use. If you need to cancel your rental for any reason, we will refund your money in full with zero penalties.
We guarantee that after renting with us, you won’t be choosing anywhere else.
We look forward to your business!
When we went about revising this car rental ad, we first wanted to identify the main points of the ad that we knew we had to cover in our revision. We identified the three main points as their customer service, ease of use, and advantages over competitors. To cut down on word count, we took out much of the extra information that the original ad included that was not necessary. For example, we cut a line that stated: “Think of all the extras you are getting with XXX Car Rental, and when comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.” This line is very wordy and too conversational to be appropriate for a brief ad like this. The idea here can be made in a much cleaner and simple way. As we do in our revision. The goals of the ad after revisions were to be clear-cut and written in a way that is easy to understand after one reading. By making it much shorter and using simpler words and shorter sentences, we were able to achieve that goal.
Thank you for asking Custom Car Rentals to quote your rental. You will be happy to know that we pride ourselves on our high-quality services and customer care, investing our time in whatever you need. Renting can be stressful; that’s why our service is simple and hassle-free. Our service allows you to enjoy the holidays as soon as you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip, we provide a full refund with zero penalties. All of these extra services are at no additional cost. Once you have tried our service, you will never look back!
Reflection:
When looking at how to downsize this document while still maintaining the essence of what this company offers to its customers, one of the changes we made was to make customer-centered language. For example, changing out many of the “we” portions to “you” – we thought this would allow the individual reading not to feel talked at by these unknown authoritative voices but instead that their concern is at the forefront. Also, compressing themes and similarities between sentences can make them more effective, as one powerful sentence can encapsulate many choppy-sounding sentences in a row. Referring to the first paragraph, we felt the theme aimed to showcase customer service and availability to their reader. However, those three sentences could shrink down into one sentence with clarity and precision. Similarly, the remaining two paragraphs had similar formats, a strong message for each one, the reduction of stress for the customer, and how efficient and affordable their service is. Like the previous example, those two paragraphs were significantly reduced, yet their message is just as clear. Within the second paragraph, there were also a few grammatical errors and sentence flow issues, such as, “In fact, we call it hassle-free. So allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental car or even getting to that all important business meeting faster”. By clarifying their message’s goal and sharpening the sentence delivery, it became “Renting can be stressful; that’s why our service is simple and hassle-free. Our service allows you to enjoy the holidays as soon as you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip, we provide a full refund with zero penalties”.
Thank you for asking B-Madz Car services to help with your car rental requirements. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve. At B-Madz, we are aware that car renting can be stressful, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. Allowing you to start enjoying your vehicle the moment you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we’ll refund your money back in full with no penalties. We are sure once you have tried our service; you will be delighted and will never look back.
During this exercise, we read through the entire prompt to see how much we could condense it. We began by gutting the entire last sentence out as it really didn’t add much in our opinion. Mostly filler. Then we rewrote the entire first sentence as well as got rid of the second sentence. We re-wrote the first sentence because it just did not flow how we envisioned it to be, so changes had to be made. We got rid of the second sentence because it was really just a slight repeat of the first sentence. From there we just did some slight cuts and punctuation fixes to ensure that there was less jargon as possible and more useful substance, so that whoever read it would be able to understand and be informed of what they were reading. Overall I think we did a really good job at breaking at condensing as much as we could without losing sight of what we were trying to communicate.
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals to quote for your car rental requirements. At XXX Car Rentals we are aware that car rental can be a stressful time for the best of us, that’s why we have made our services very easy to use. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. When comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.
Journal #5:
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals for a quote. We are pleased to say that XXX Car Rentals has invested in gearing our whole operation to work as smoothly as possible for you. We pride ourselves on a high level of customer service, you will find good value for your money. At XXX Car Rentals we are aware that car rental can be stressful so that’s why we have made our service as hassle free as possible. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. Unlike other rental agencies we have thought of all the extras at no additional cost to you. Once you have rented with us you will never look back.
We made a ton of edits to the ad and we did it pretty quickly too. All the work that needed to be done to change the ad was finished in class although we never decided on a name for the car rental company. In the first sentence we got rid of “to” and “for your car rental requirements” and replaced it with “for a” so the sentence now reads “Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals for a quote.” In the second sentence we cut out “many man hours” and “our customers” and replaced it with “ as smoothly as possible for you”. So the sentence now reads “We are pleased to say that XXX Car Rentals has invested in gearing our whole operation to work as smoothly as possible for you.” In the next line we got rid of “we achieve, we are also sure” and a few other words and the sentence now sounds like this. “We pride ourselves on a high level of customer service, you will find good value for your money.” In the next paragraph we started off by cutting out “time for the best of us, that’s why” and “very easy to use. In fact we call it” and added “as hassle free as possible” and now the sentence reads “At XXX Car Rentals we are aware that car rental can be stressful so that’s why we have made our service as hassle free as possible.” We cut out the whole next sentence because we thought it was irrelevant the one about being able to enjoy your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental car ext. The sentence after that we left alone and didn’t change anything because we felt that it had important information. It reads “If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties.” We pretty much scrapped the entire next sentence after that too we only kept the words “once you have you will never look back” we also moved that saying to the end of the ad because we thought it was more fitting there. The last paragraph we also completely switched around and changed the wording so now it says “Unlike other rental agencies we have thought of all the extras at no additional cost to you. Once you have rented with us you will never look back.” Overall I think this was a fun thought provoking activity and that me and my partner worked well together. 🙂
Thank you for asking B-Madz Car services to help with your car rental requirements. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve. At B-Madz, we are aware that car renting can be stressful, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. Allowing you to start enjoying your vehicle the moment you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we’ll refund your money back in full with no penalties. We are sure once you have tried our service; you will be delighted and will never look back.
During this exercise, Maddie and I read through the entire prompt to see how much we could condense it. We began by gutting the entire last sentence out as it really didn’t add much in our opinion. Mostly filler. Then we rewrote the entire first sentence as well as got rid of the second sentence. We re-wrote the first sentence because it just did not flow how we envisioned it to be, so changes had to be made. We got rid of the second sentence because it was really just a slight repeat of the first sentence. From there we just did some slight cuts and punctuation fixes to ensure that there was less jargon as possible and more useful substance, so that whoever read it would be able to understand and be informed of what they were reading. Overall I think we did a really good job at breaking at condensing as much as we could without losing sight of what we were trying to communicate.
Thank you for asking Custom Car Rentals to quote your rental. You will be happy to know that we pride ourselves on our high quality services and customer care; investing our time for whatever you need. Renting can be stressful, that’s why our service is simple and hassle free. Our service allows you to enjoy the holidays as soon as you drive off. If you need to cancel your trip, we provide a full refund with zero penalties. All of these extra services are at no additional cost. Once you have tried our service, you will never look back!
99 words
For Elia and I’s work, we were able to cut this advertisement down to a total of 99 words. Where we first started in decreasing the word count was looking at the title of the car company and its repetitiveness through the paragraphs. Instead of having it listed four times, we chose to only have it once at the beginning. This is because the customer only needs to be reminded once who they are working with and who is putting out this advertisement. Secondly, we look at any areas where there were unnecessary prepositional phrases such as like, and, as, or so. Cutting these out leaves the reader with a smoother way to get through the piece. Lastly, we cut out or reworded some of the sentences that highlighted the benefits of signing with this rental company. Doing this was to make the advertisement be a short bite to read over something that seemed to over-sell what the company was offering.
Thank you for asking Saco River Car Rentals to quote for your car rental requirements. At Saco River Car Rentals, we know that car rentals can be stressful for the best of us. That’s why we have made our service very easy to use. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, Saco River Car Rentals will refund your money back in total with no penalties. When you compare quotes from other rental agencies, please check that they include all we offer at no additional cost.
After we had received the exercise, I knew what parts I wanted to cut out. There was a lot of fluff present. As a customer, I would have skimmed most of this if included. So, we cut significant chunks out of the first and second paragraphs. A lot of the first paragraph focuses on the car rental company. It uses the ‘We’ pronoun. McRae discusses that when doing communication, “you’ should be the pronoun used the most. This makes the customer feel welcomed, and less like it’s all about the company. Fluff is also present in the second paragraph. It talks a lot about the possible uses of the rental. But, that doesn’t seem to be something that the customer would find important. I know what uses I want for the rental if I choose it. I want to know the terms. The deals I can get are more important than the uses I already imagine. I want to see the benefits of renting from this rental company. The last paragraph tries to connect to us, the customer, but it starts putting the company first. This also doesn’t seem the best way to feel welcomed in choosing the right rental car company. The third paragraph is only a few sentences. We cut the first one since it seems to allude to the extras when I would want them discussed, not alluded to. The rest of the edits involved reworking the sentences and fixing grammar to combine or make them simpler.
Thank you for asking XXX car rentals to quote you for your car rental requirements. we pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve, at good value for money. We are aware that car rental can be a stressful time, that’s why we have made our service very easy to use. Allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your new rental, or even getting to that important business meeting faster. if you need to cancel your trip for any reason, we will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. when comparing quotes from other rental agencies, check that they include all that we offer, at no additional cost to you.
For the exercise, we were asked to shorten a fake car rental ad, rewrite it in a way that made it more appealing to the viewer, and give it a more professional feel in terms of what we have been learning about writing and communications in the business world. Business writing is concise and clearly states the message. When reading the example, a lot of the advertisement sounded rather repetitive and it was also long, making it less engaging to read. Most of the lines that attempted to appeal to the audience all generally communicated the same idea, and that was that XXX Car Rentals has a goal of making things easier for the customer. This, along with the company’s dedication to the people they want to help could have been communicated in less sentences and in a shorter amount of time. The ad wasn’t very concise. It was clear, but the repetitiveness made it somewhat hard to focus on the main goal that the writer wished to communicate. Maintaining the viewers attention throughout the ad is important, because otherwise, the viewer may put the ad down or look away, and so it was seen as imperative that the ad become shorter in length and for there to be less sentences that serve roughly the same purpose. Therefore, when working together, Isabella and I found that we were able to remove the second and third sentences of the first paragraph, as well as the second and last sentence in the next paragraph. We also fixed some punctuation, adding a period after, “for the best of us” in the second paragraph and starting a new sentence with “That’s why we have made our service very easy to use.” We also took out the final comma in the very last sentence and proceeded to make the first word capitalized to accommodate the part of the sentence we took out and begin with a new start to the final paragraph. Now, shortened to about ninety-eight words, this ad sounds less repetitive, still communicated the same purpose, and is quicker to read.
Thank you for asking UNE car rentals for a quote. We are pleased to say that UNE car rentals have invested time in our operations to work for you. We pride ourselves on a high level of customer service, and you will find good value for your money. At UNE car rentals, we know that car rentals can be stressful, so we have made our service hassle-free. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, UNE car rental will refund your full amount with no penalties. Unlike other rental agencies, we have thought of all the extras at no additional cost to you. We are sure once you have rented with us, you will never look back.
Thank you for asking XXX Car Rentals to quote your car rental requirements. We are pleased to say that XXX Car Rentals has invested many hours in gearing our whole rental operation to work for our customers. We pride ourselves on the high level of customer service we achieve. We know that renting a car can be stressful. That’s why we have made our service easy to use, allowing you to start enjoying your holiday the moment you drive off in your rental car. If you need to cancel your trip for any reason, XXX Car Rental will refund your money back in full, with no penalties. We are sure once you have tried our service; you will be delighted and never look back.
A lot of the changes we made to the article started with fixing the sentence structure first and then cutting out some of the fluff second. It was hard to decide what fluff to cut out and what to keep, as the welcoming tone was the backbone of the ad and builds appeal. In the end, we cut a lot of the more grammatically challenged sections of the ad to help it flow and rework it to keep the positive tone.